Being late

I went to bed last night at 9:00, I was so exhausted. I must have fallen asleep not long afterwards and dreamed but I can't remember the dream.

Oddly, I feel a bit sad today. Has the Scottish climate finally caught up with me? Am I going to start playing a guitar and singing songs about why it's always raining on me?

Last night, while I was "decontracting" on the couch I asked Ken when my last period was.

"Was it before or after Valentine's Day?"
"It was a couple of days after, I think."
"Oh, that's alright I guess."

The slow, solar-powered calculator that is my brain did the math a few seconds later and I said

"Wait... we're March 23rd - I'm over a week late."

We sat on our couches, looking at each other, like cats perched on pedestals, eyeing each other up.

Silence.

Finally, Ken stood up and walked over to me.

"You want me to go down and get a kit?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know."

He kneeled in front of the couch and smiled.

"I can't really remember when it was the last time you had your period. It's probably unlikely that you are pregnant."

I deflated. Ever the optimist Ken, and yet, he's said that he wanted children. Not that either of us are trying really hard - nor do we want to really. We're operating under the "que sera sera" maxim so I'm not sure what we want or don't want to happen.

"I'm going to give it another week. Even if I take the test now, the result will be unreliable. After about ten days after due date, I'll know for sure."

But every once in awhile, I check the calendar and then I feel a slight panic. And then when my period finally comes, I feel an initial relief, and then, just then, a tiny grain of sadness... until it gets blown away by events of the day.

This feels different though, I've got all the textbook symptoms of PMS without the MS. My nipples are sensitive to the point of discomfort. That's what happenned the last time I was pregnant.

So it's 7:30 this morning and I just doing feeling like being on time for work. I'm just not motivated enough to care anymore, I have less than a week at this job. This time next week, I'll be done. I'm looking forward to it, believe me.

I remember the dream now, it had something to do with infertility.